The Revenge Of Tommy Tucker
by tielan
Summary: Rodney and his teammates must sing for their supper. Hilarity ensues.


**NOTES**: Written for the **sga flashfic** community in their 'song and dance' challenge, and a remix of **seldear**'s fic '_Clinging Prerogatives_'. The opening line was provided by one of the people on her LJ.**  
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**The Revenge Of Tommy Tucker**

Rodney wasn't sure who'd decided that Atlantis needed a Gilbert & Sullivan society but the next person to walk into the science labs tra-la-la-ing was going to find themselves on the end of some very pointed sarcasm.

Still, as long as such foolishness was generally kept as far away from Rodney as possible, he didn't care what people did in their spare time. The Atlantis Gilbert & Sullivan society were welcome to put together an amateur performance of the _Mikado_ in their free time, just as long as nobody in Rodney's lab sang or whistled or hummed while they worked, and he didn't have to attend the performance which was scheduled one night over the summer.

Of course, that was before the night Sergeant Malynn announced that, 'for one night only', people would sing for their supper. They could sing any song they wished. It didn't have to be in tune or well-known, but singing was necessary before one grain of rice or one drop of casserole was served.

And Elizabeth apparently thought it would get people into the spirit of the performance, as well as loosen everyone up with a bit of entertainment. She approved it.

However, Rodney noted that _she_ wasn't having dinner in the mess hall this evening.

Privately, he thought her affair with the guy from the _Daedelus _had turned her head, but both John and Teyla had pointed out that Elizabeth was much happier and more at ease since that relationship had begun, which they thought meant the guy was good for her.

Rodney thought that anything that permitted, condoned, or abetted such madness as he was seeing and hearing in the mess hall this evening was bad. Very, very bad.

"I don't _believe_ this," Rodney expostulated as he joined the end of the queue after uselessly attempting to change Sergeant Malynn's mind.

"Oh, Rodney, suck it up," John said, at the front of their group. "Lighten up. Be frivolous."

"It is only one night," Teyla observed.

"It's a matter of principle," said Rodney with stiff dignity as he folded his arms and scowled at the people ahead of them. "I refuse to be a...a wind-up monkey!" Teyla's look forced him to explain. "It's a toy. You wind it up and let it go and it plays an accordian in a pre-recorded tune... Never mind."

"I see," Teyla said in the tone of voice that meant she thought Rodney was a raving lunatic. Okay, so she probably didn't think that, but Rodney imagined that she thought he was a raving lunatic.

"You can sing," said Ronon. "You sing in the showers."

Rodney scowled at the bigger man. Singing in the shower was a habit he'd picked up long ago, and for which he'd already received a lot of flak in Atlantis. "Okay, fine. So, what, _you're_ going to sing? Did they even have music on Sateda?" Even that small snark made him feel better.

"We had music. I can't sing any of it."

"Sure you can," said John. "Didn't you have a national anthem on Sateda? Some kind of...rousing music?"

Ronon considered this. "We had the _Balanga_."

"The _Balanga_. Great," John said with an enthusiasm Rodney was sure the other man had put on purely to irk him. "Sing that."

Teyla coughed slightly and exchanged a look with Ronon, who just shrugged.

Rodney scowled at the ever-shortening line and promised himself that if he had to sing for his supper, dire things were going to happen.

_Dire_ things.

Most people sang a few lines of something - usually very softly - and got their dinner.

Some people went a little further.

Four of Carson's medical staff did a barbershop quartet version of Billy Joel's _For The Longest Time_; British physicist Terence Dendridge sang _God Save The Queen_ in a powerful baritone that was more suited to _Old Man River_. One of the black marines did a reasonable rap, but before he could move on with his dinner, the next group - Chucky the control room technician among them - surrounded him and started singing Weird Al's _White And Nerdy_. Naturally, the marine was cast in the role of the 'gangsta.' The techs managed to get through one verse before they cracked up and couldn't go on. The marine shook his head as he walked off.

Rodney grimaced as the scientists in front of John sang _The Star Spangled Banner_. It was horrible. Bad voices, no tune, no enthusiasm. So much for vaunted American patriotism.

John sang a verse of Johnny Cash's _I Walk The Line_ in a voice that wasn't bad, but which didn't hold the notes at the end of each musical phrase the way Cash had. John also glanced at Teyla several times during the song, possibly just as someone to focus on since singing to the mess hall or the servitors was daunting, although possibly not.

Teyla waited until John finished singing before responding with what was probably the Athosian version of a Verdi aria. It danced, floated, and _soared_ through the room with a beauty that made Rodney wish for a recording device of some kind. If she'd been born on Earth, she'd have made a hell of an operatic soprano.

_Wow._

There was a moment's awed pause when she finished.

Someone started a round of applause, which died an abrupt death as Ronon launched into the _Balanga_.

Sheppard had probably imagined the _Balanga_ to be an anthem of some kind. _Sateda the Beautiful_, perhaps. In actual fact, it was more like the New Zealand _haka_.

There was a lot of roaring involved. There was also yelling and bellowing and thumping of the chest and slapping of the thighs. Presumably it was supposed to be intimidating.

Of course, this was Ronon. He could make a smile intimidating.

And, being Ronon, he didn't stint on the actions.

The _Balanga _finished with a mighty roar.

Silence.

Nobody dared laugh.

Malynn blinked. "Okaaaaay. Not quite what I was after but, thanks, Ronon." Then he deposited the food on John, Teyla, and Ronon's dishes with the mechanical motions of someone still in shock, and turned to Rodney.

An evil smile spread across the rubicund face. "Dr. McKay?"

"You know, you're going to regret this," Rodney said.

Malynn smirked. "Come on, Dr. McKay. You'd know your national anthem, right? _Happy Birthday_? _Twinkle Twinkle_? _Mary Had A Little Lamb_? How bad can it be?"

"Malynn, this is your last chance. Just hand over the food and nobody gets hurt," he told the Sergeant, meaning it.

Without an ounce of sympathy, Malynn spread his arms wide, grinning broadly. "Sing, Dr. McKay! Sing for your supper!"

_Sadist_. Rodney pursed his lips. "You asked for this, Malynn. Gilbert and Sullivan. _The Mikado_. Act I. '_So Please You, Sir_.' New lyrics by Rodney McKay."

They wanted him to sing for his supper?

Fine. Rodney was going to give them a performance they wouldn't forget!

"_So please you, Sarge, we much regret  
That we must resort to this!  
Towards someone whose sole enjoyment  
Seems to be to take the piss!_

_That idiots should make us sing is hard on us, is hard on us!  
To our prerogatives we cling, so pardon us, so pardon us,  
If I decide to setup a virus on your computer that wipes out all that bondage porn you've been collecting from Earth!_"

He gave up trying to fit the rhythm of the words to the tune at the end, letting it transition into spoken words quite clearly audible in the 'audience's' hush.

The mess hall was very silent. Someone sniggered.

Sergeant Malynn was a few shades short of beetroot.

Rodney held out his plate. "Food, please."

Food was deposited on his plate in silence and Rodney stalked past his somewhat stunned team-mates. "Dinner, anyone?"

- **fin** -

**FEEDBACK**: Only rice and paper confetti are to be thrown on the stage at the end of the performance. Please send all bouquets to the stage door, and complaints to the stage manager. Thank you!


End file.
